FUNNY CHICK SCRATCH

Sweeper Kitty

Finally a kitty that appreciates the vaccum as much as I do! ~enjoy

Comedy Scratch

I would like to harken back to a time when people used the word harken.

Sweet Mysteries of Life

Stonehenge maybe one of the most infamous wonders of the world, but it is nothing compared to the mystery of my Sports Illustrated-Latino subscription.

About two years ago the magazine addressed to Nita Apple not Current Resident or Sports Enthusiast, but me, identified by name, began showing up in my mailbox. I have never paid for it, and there couldn't be a magazine that I would read less, it is after all in Spanish. And despite my attempts to contact circulation, month after month it continues to appear. Why? Did I purchase something that unwittingly put me in their marketing demographic? Would Crate and Barrel Furniture do that?

At first it was maddening and I began to wonder if someone had set up a secret camera just to capture my exasperation, but now I am amused and left to ponder even bigger questions like: Anna Kournikora-Donde Este Ella Ahora?

Born Standing Up Couldn't Be Put Down

Born Standing Up, Steve Martin's self-described biography (because he felt as though he was talking about another person from another lifetime) was a great way to pass the two and a half hours spent standing in line at the polls. I am not sure how the book would play to an audience who is, as we say, secular to the comedy world, but I suspect the guy who was peaking over my shoulder to read it, would agree.

For those not in the business of comedy, Steve's account of stand-up provides an interesting peak behind the comedy curtain. Stand-up comedy is the only form of artistic expression that is not only difficult, it has the added element of needing to look easy and spontaneous. (No one can deny the artistic genius of Michelangelo's Sistine Chapel, but nobody expected him to act as if it was just a doodle he created on the spot.) For every drunken crowd that has stared at me blankly as if to say: "What's the problem clown, just start making us laugh", I offer that even Steve Martin struggled. The book highlights several accounts where Steve did not have enough material to make time, had to break character to deal with hecklers, and that which is known as comedy death, "a fate worse than regular death."

Those who see stand-up as a quick way to be discovered (and there are many in LA, including many well intended friends who never fully understand why one isn't farther along in their comedy process) would be shocked to learn that Steve's journey took him 18 years: "Ten of those years spent learning, four were spent refining, and four were spent in wild success." And to those who believe all it takes for wild success, is one TV credit; Steve relates that it took 16 angst filed appearances on the Tonight Show before someone actually recognized him as "that boy who was on the Tonight Show" and even then she didn't think he was funny.

I am not sure my gratitude can even begin to make up for that stupid lady, but to Steve I would like to offer up my personal heartfelt thanks. Thank you for taking the time to write about your process and sharing it with the world. Thank you for your irreverent style, your dogged dedication to it really did revolutionize comedy for all who've aspired to follow in your footsteps. Finally, and most importantly, thank you for the gift of silliness. Silliness in general, and your brand in particular, really has made this whole crazy game called life worth while.

Don't Forget to Vote!

In the long history of show biz peeps who think their opinion counts more than the common folk, Funny Chick would like to trade on her minor celebrity status and assert her expertise:

Please vote for Kirsten in the Happy Cow contest. As someone who secretly loves commercials (particularly the Happy Cow and Foster Farm Chicken campaigns even though I can not bare to eat either) and as someone who has worked for a comedy talent agency, I know that Kristen has that unique blend of comedic timing and fear which are essential in this town.

Kirsten may lack some of the show biz experience of the other cow candidates, but it is time for a change from the Hollywood bovine elite. Some of you might be nervous given that Kirsten is from Canada, and there have been rumors that she may be a terrorist (Canadian Terrorist are on the rise, don't ya know?) Furthermore, the last thing we want to do is to support illegal cow immigrants coming to the US and stealing Happy Cow Jobs, but I can assure you that Kirsten comes from hardy working class livestock, and has that humble desire to live the American Dream, which makes this country so great. A vote for Kirsten would be a vote for the disenfranchised barn yard Joe, and would be history in the making.

I hope you will support Funny Chick in this important election; we simply can not afford to elect just another dairy darling.

Bag O'Tricks

Like Halloween candy here are some blog leftovers for you to nibble on:

For those of you who could not make it to Karen's Supernatural Junk Yard, you missed out on a real treat. We had about 10 chicksters show-up for the sold out show. In addition to some cleaver skits, there were some great stand-up performances from Drake Witham and Danny Villapondo, as well as Karen. Karen hopes to reprise the show again in San Diego, so look for updates as they are announced.

I am not sure how everyone else celebrated Halloween, but I spent the day disguised as my authentic self. Yep, it is as scary as one might think. Not to give too much away, least you recognize me next year, I can tell you it did involve a lot of hairspray and back combing.

Falling back is forward thinking. I just love it when we go off of daylight savings time, I always resent losing an hour from my weekend in the spring, not to mention how nice it is not to have to wake up in the dark. Aside from back to school shopping, falling back is one of my favorite fall rituals. (Insert picture of me falling asleep with big hair, and a big smile on my face.)

I Heart My Cardio Play List

In an interesting little news story last week it was reported that the Bee Gee's song Stayin' Alive, is the perfect beat for performing CPR. At 103 beats per minute it's a good rhythm to kick start the heart, and a tune most people know. For years now, Stayin' Alive has instinctively been in my ipod's cardio/tread play list, along with another similarly paced song, Queen's Another One Bites The Dust. Although it was reported that researchers passed on using Bites the Dust for fear it would send the wrong message. I suppose it would be a little strange to come to, only to find a team of people giving you chest compressions while singing...and another one gone, and another one gone, another one bites the dust, hey I'm gonna get you too, another one bites the dust...

However, I am not sure that researchers fully considered how hard it is to sing Stayin' Alive without automatically breaking into the Travolta swagger (hip hip shoulder shoulder) and not stopping every once in awhile to do the famed pointed finger pose. I speak from experience, I have yet to be able to avoid doing that while running on the tread. (Yep, Gold Gym members that's me.)

Catch Me If You Can

People are always telling me that I just need to settle down and catch myself a man. But I don't know, I feel I like I am more like a cat in that regard.

I don't need to really catch 'em, just bat 'em around 'til they are lifeless and dead like.

Funny Chick's First Annual Flock Party: Karen's Supernatural Junkyard

Looking for a night of pre-Halloween fun? Join me and a fellow funny chickers on Thursday October 30, as we flock to the Lounge Theater in Hollywood for Karen Rontowski's Super Natural Junkyard. This Halloween centric comedy show is kinda like a one woman show, except that there is more than one woman performing, and some of the performers are men. (But other than that it is exactly like a one woman show.) For a real review, by someone who uses real reviewer terms and stuff visit: What the Butler Saw. Funny Chick is a big fan of Karen's, so we know what ever she does it promises to be entertaining.

For those interested in being Funny Chick's guest, as in my treat...or is it my trick? (Ha Ha, I'll never tell) either way e-mail me by the 28th. If you want to go, but not sure you can get it together by then, you can purchase tickets through the show's site: Supernatural Junkyard, either way I hope to see you there (I'll be the one wearing a fake nose and moustache).

Birds On A Wire

Several years ago I worked at the Irvine Spectrum. For those of you unfamiliar with all things Orange County (the OC) the Spectrum is just your run of the mill upper middle class suburban mall, surrounded by run of the mill upper middle class suburban office buildings. But the Spectrum did have one thing that I have yet to see anywhere else, birds. I've seen birds before, but the Spectrum birds were spectacular.

Everyday as I was leaving work and heading to the employee parking lot, hundreds of birds would gather on the electrical wire across the street. They would essentially arrive at the same time (with a few hurried stragglers) and then just as suddenly, they would spontaneously and in complete unison fly across the street, before flying off in different directions.

This daily routine was so predictable one could set their watch by it, and I usually did. Everyday a large crowd of commuters and I would gather, and this strange bird behavior would become the talk of our corner.

"Those birds are crazy!" one person would shout. "They do that at the same time everyday!" someone would exclaim. "I wonder why they do that?" asked someone else.

But before anyone could answer our light would change, and we would spontaneously and in complete unison, walk across the street before getting into our cars and heading off in different directions.

I guess it just goes to show that some species are just unexplainably strange.

National Day of Protest

In honor of the day, here's a joke from one of my favorite comedians. If you don't like the joke you can always protest.

        Don't wear fur.
        A single fur coat takes 14 trees just for the protest signs.
                                                                ~emo philips

Is There A Twelve-Step Program For This?

Another strange sighting from Paul, my friend Kristen's boyfriend. I probably shouldn't encourage him, but this one I actually see, it's Rocky The Flying Squirrel! (PETA peeps, I have it on good authority that no squirrels were harmed.)

Funny Chick is The Wing Vote

As all the political pundits talk about the key to this election being the independent female voter, it occurred to me that they are referring to me!

As I listen to them try and decide what is important to me, and what will gain my favor, it can be as if they have confused me for someone else, but trying to decipher the algorithm that is Funny Chick isn't easy. (Just ask i-tunes, Amazon, and Netflix; what do you suggest for someone who has both Dolly Parton and the Ramones in her i-pod?)

One reason it is so difficult to second guess an independent women, is because by her very nature she is independent. Funny Chicks in particular like marching to the beat of their own drums. So to help crack the code, here is my list:

• I am equally opposed to Big Oil, and Big Government. Typically the solution to keeping one small is to make the other big, but I want both small.
• Voting the lesser of two evils is not an effective voting strategy. Trust me, it used to be my dating strategy, and I have decided that no good comes from accepting evil in any portion.
• The more celebrity filed ads that appear trying to convince me that I must vote, the more I want to raise a defiant wing and sit out in protest.
• And finally and most importantly, Peter Gabriel Genesis was way better than the Phil Collins Genesis. (OK that one was for i-tunes.)

Come and Get It

All of a sudden I have an overwhelming urge to e-mail Ringo Starr and ask him for his autograph. (For those who missed it, Ringo released a video in which he takes himself way to serious and he begs anyone who will listen NOT to e-mail him, or request autographs; he's to busy.)

I'd honestly never thought about contacting him before, but now it's all I can think about. Please, please help me!

Avail Me

My therapist once told me that I seek out emotionally unavailable men. I wasn't even sure what she meant, until one day I started dating a man who was attentive, kind, and was always there for me, and it was then that I realized...

I don't have that kind of time.

Put Down the Kitty Videos and Write a Blog

I recently got an e-mail from a reader who stated that she liked my kitty video picks, but wondered if they were an attempt to distract readers when my schedule got really busy.

Busted. Although I wasn't consciously aware of this, I have to admit it's true. Like any busy "mother" sometimes one has to resort to entertaining the kids by putting on a video.

For those of you who were also wondering, I can only offer that at least I see you as my children, and here's to hoping I can get in a little more substance in this week.

One More For The Road

You've got to love the vicious attack kitties! Here's one more.

We Interrupt This Blog For a Palm Pilot Melt Down

It appears that I have inadvertently overbooked myself, between other writing projects and an accelerated training schedule at the gym (I'm training for a 10k later this month.) I'm pooped. I even intended to participate in the 5k Memory Walk downtown this past weekend, but I got so busy I forgot. (Ahhh, the irony.)

So hold tight dear Funny Chickers, I am still doing it all here at the factory (Little Red Hen, be damned!) so the blog might be a little light over the next couple of days. (And by light I mean full of silly kitty videos.) 

I've Lost that Loving Feeling

Earlier this week I made a trip to my local Staples, The Office Super Store. I have a long and well publicized love affair with Staples and have mentioned it frequently on this site, although as soon as I walked in, my heart sank.

They are remodeling!

I knew this day would come, but it is no less disturbing. Several other Staples have gone through this process, and I specifically sought out my Staples on the basis that it still had the old store lay out. I am not sure why they felt the need to remodel any of the stores. Why, when people who insist on organization and order are the mainstay of their business would they change everything around?

My despair has prompted me to write a song (parody). For those of you who like the parody and would like to sing along, it is written to the tune of You've Lost That Loving Feeling. (And for those of you who are comedy purest, yes, it has come to this.) Here it goes:

You never stock the shelves anymore like you used to do
and there's no xerox paper like before on isle two
I'm trying hard not to show it ~baby
but baby, baby you know it

Chorus
I've lost the toner cartridges
and the 3-ring binders
and the Avery labels are all gone gone gone
Whooooaaaa....

Cancel My Order

Dear Winter Fur (or Winter Plumage, as the case may be),

This season, I would like to cancel my long standing order for winter fur. I know in the past I have complained about being too cold during the harsh Southern California winters, and you have provided a service that has always arrived in time to help keep my warm, but it was my understanding, that per our agreement, you would be long gone by March. However, in the last few years I have noticed that you have continued to stay throughout the summer, through to the following winter, and then you refilled my winter fur order when clearly I was well stocked in that department. This has got to stop.

I accept responsibility for my part in the over fulfillment of my winter fur needs. I should have canceled my fur order earlier. I took for granted that the arrangement we've had for the past 38 years would continue to work as agreed upon, and by the time I realized that you were no longer molting, it was too late. (I am not fat, just fluffy.)

I realize that I have paid for the lifetime fur protection package, but please feel free to donate the unused portion of my order to some starving Hollywood actress. Poor 'lil things have to fly off to warm tropical climates for the winter in order to keep from freezing to death. I know what you are thinking, this is much too generous of me, but I'm a giver, and keeping the skinny emaciated Hollywood elite warm is a cause I feel very passionate about.

As I continue to shed the fur from past years, please do not confuse my plaintiff wails of being cold with an attempt to re-order. I intend to turn up the heat, and buy a throw.

As always, I thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.

~nita apple

Show Us Your Gang Sign

With Funny Chick Tats. The Funny Chick temporary tattoo is the perfect way to show your flock affiliation. Available exclusively at the Funny Chick Store. All the cool kids are doing it!

Summer Ends With The Last of My Summer Reading List

Summer is officially over, and so are this season's episodes of my Burn Notice. (A moment of silence for Burn Notice, please.) But the summer season would not have been complete without a few reads from the Children’s Library. A fun luxury I try to indulge in every summer, and this year I managed to find some exceptionally good books. (And yes, they actually have words, not just pictures and stuff.)  

The first one up is The Higher Power of Lucky, by Susan Patron. Susan runs the Children’s lit department of LA’s Public Library, of course this is what sold me, but the book has actually received more credible acclaim as it also won the prestigious Newbery Award. The story focuses on female lead Lucky, a 10 year old, who is on a journey to find her “Higher Power”; a concept that intellectual eludes her, but one that she has learned of after eavesdropping on her small town’s 12-step meetings.
 

The book created some controversy after several public schools banned it for of the use of the word scrotum. Banning a book for this reason seems a little nonsensical, since the word scrotum is a perfectly good word to use, particularly when talking about a scrotum. The book uses the word scrotum, when Lucky over hears a character talking about a dog’s, well….for lack of a better term, scrotum. While in context, the word is not actually defined and its meaning is lost on Lucky who thinks scrotum is some type of green phlegmy substance that one would snort up and spit out, which let’s face it, is what the word scrotum sounds like it should mean. (And for those of you playing along, yes, I am trying to see how many times I can use the word scrotum in a paragraph. Eight.)

Overall, the book is 112 pages of delightfulness. Lucky is a character who has the wisdom of someone who has experienced pain well beyond her years (and she has) and yet, she processes everything like the 10 year old that she is. If you have an hour to spare, read it.

Next on my list is Clarice Bean Spells Trouble, by Lauren Child. This book was actually recommend to me by a shop owner who thought Funny Chick and Clarice shared a similar prespective, and suggested Funny Chick could be merchandised in a similar manner. Of course, I had to investigate. Turns out, Funny Chick and I should be so fortunate, and it was a huge compliment to us, so thank you shop keeper lady.

Clarice is another strong and funny female who happens to be obsessed with the Ruby Redford television show and everything in her own reality gets filtered through what she has gleamed from it. In addition, Clarice likes to make up great words like, exceptionordinarily, which gets her in trouble with her teacher who has an under developed appreciation for Clarice's creative mind and clever word play. Clarice is funny, playful, and spirited, and she makes for a fun read.

The Little Red Hen School of Management

You might remember The Little Red Hen from pre-school; she was the famed fowl who couldn't get her friends to help her make some bread so she resounded to "do it herself". Of course, when it came time to eat the bread her friends were anxious to "help out", but she did that herself too.

I have always admired Red Hen, not only was she a funny chick who got the last laugh, she proved herself to be a very capable strong willed gal, who empowered herself with a can do attitude and fearlessness to go at it alone. It is hard to deny how much this fable has influenced me over the years. As a fiercely independent single gal, I have an overly developed sense of can-do-it-by-myself-it-ness that makes asking for help a last resort, and more importantly, I HATE to share food.

But as I progress with the business side of Funny Chick, from writing, to creative planning, to production and marketing, I am beginning to see the shortsightedness of 'lil Red's thinking. Her business model might work if I only wanted to make one loaf of bread, but the key to make more "dough" is to enlist help. So I am preparing to farm out some of the work in order to make Funny Chick bigger and stronger. As an honor graduate from the LRH School of Management, admitting there's a better way, has been a huge concession.   

Although I'm still not prepared to share my food.

Showered with Prosperity*

Highly suspect of the phenomenon The Secret (if for no other reason than it isn't much of a secret) I decided it was time to investigate. Somehow with the current state of Wall Street, investing time and energy into the Law of Attraction, doesn't seem so far fetched. One of the recommendations for bringing forth personal wealth is to repeat the mantra "Checks in the mail", seems simple enough, so I decided to give it a go.

It worked!

After repeating the mantra for the last week, I have managed to receive checks in the mail every day! The only problem has been that they are cash advance checks from a credit card I never use. Life lesson # 756: when sending messages out and into the universe it pays to be very very specific.

*Prosperity: At an introductory rate of 1.99% for the next six months.

 

Election Flap

The best thing about this election is the opportunity it has provided for women. Politics aside, it's great to see a platform in which women have become the central focus. I am so proud to be part of a generation that has produced such a diverse and talented group of women; funny women that is. The candidates themselves are a shameful lot, but the ladies of SNL are hitting it out of the park with their parodies.

It has been a long standing belief that the women of Saturday Night Live have kept the show alive, Amy Poehler of late with her Hilary Clinton parodies, and now with the return of Tina Fey and her spot on impersonation of Sarah Palin. (Not only do they look alike, Tina nailed Sarah's accent and mannerisms.) I can't speak to God's plan with respect to the war, but I do believe that the nomination of Sarah Palin and her uncanny resemblance to Tina Fey was God's gift to Lorne Michaels.

Way to go Funny Chicas, you got my vote.